My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
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He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
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I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I am one with the molecules
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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