you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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