I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
