omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
