I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The uberlube is also flammable
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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