grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
