State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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