I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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