i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
