i think i have two assholes
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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