please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
