Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
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Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
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i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!