Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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