So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
