Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
