I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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