Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize