Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
