If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
