I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
