How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
