She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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