You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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