i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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