This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You brought string cheese to the strip club
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
