I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
