I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
