took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
