Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
