I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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