its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
