Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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