the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
