I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I could make wine with my vomit
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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