Life is so much better after having sex.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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