I got chris browned last night
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
