Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
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I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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