I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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