I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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