this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
It was confusing and full of hummus
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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