I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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