New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
