Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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