I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
