I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
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He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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