just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
