we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
