i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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