"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
