I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
