I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
