My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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