my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
