You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
