I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
