Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
